Miss-E LiveJournal

Rereading

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 04:22:22 GMT

So I haven't been on here for aaaaages so I decided to reread what I had posted, and now I am crying. I completely forgot how shitty I felt when me and Mattie were apart :(
In good news I am super excited since is it my best friend Kari's 19th birthday this weekend and us and like 15-20 other people are all going camping for the weekend!!! To make it even better me and Mattie will be staying for 5 days <3 Its kinda also being our 3 year thing cause its actually in Sept but he starts school then so we can't go away at all.
Work kinda sucks right now, I really feel I everything I do won't be good enough for the higher ups. They kind of pick at small things and really almost taking over my job sometimes and won't let me work at my own pace. It's rather annoying. But then again I am quitting smoking (3 weeks!) so I am acutally crazy right now and extrememly irritable, so that might have something to do with it.

Art!!!!

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 19:38:24 GMT

I thought now that I am an art 30 student, I should share my work.

http://cybertopia.deviantart.com/

-Miss-E

Miss-E Has A Crush!

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 07:28:49 GMT

So Miss-E has a confession to make. She has a crush on a pretty boy. However, since certain people who might know him might also read this, I cannot disclose his name, looks, or how I know him. Which takes away from all the fun. What I can saw however, is that he is super cute and a total sweetie.
I other news, I am rather sad that I am not able to vote. Not that I have done much research into the parties, but I actually think if I could vote that I might have voted green. Mind you this has nothing to do with the color of my hair affecting my decision. I just agree with their views more then a lot of other parties.
Anyways, minus the pretty boy and my lackage to vote, my life has still been studying. And more importantly, I need to finish putting my extensions back in.
Night!
Ps
17 days!!!!

Dear Mr. Bill Gates

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 06:17:19 GMT

Dear Mr. Bill Gates
It now looks as though I won’t have to go to your house and kill you. All I needed to do was uninstall Microsoft Office and reinstall it for it to finally work again. But those times between when I fucked my TV tuner and had to reformat my computer to reinstall my TV driver and now seems like such a long time to be without my lovely Microsoft Word. I mean I couldn’t print off my resume and write up a cover letter to hand out to various companies that probably won’t hire me. However once again I can! Tomorrow I shall drop off my resume to MEC and Cyberspace in hopes of getting my first job.
In short, I am sorry Bill, for all those times I shouted out “DIE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE… DIE!!!!!’ and all those times I told my friends that I was going to kill you. So I ask, out of the kindness in your heart, that you remove the tap on my cell phone, and that scary white van in front of my house, as well, that creepy guy who seems to follow me everywhere and looks very awkward when he joins in my art class.
Thank you for your time.
Miss-E

Dozen Red Roses For $12.99

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 20:17:58 GMT

Dear Blog Readers,
Safeway sells a dozen red roses for $12.99. Please think of me next time you go shopping and buy them for me, as no one ever buys me flowers.

-Erin

In other news, Christmas was ok, New Years was ok, and the whole break in general was ok. In short, I am happy to be back at school.
I have been to Steeps for the past 5 days straight and its getting to the point where its is almost sad. However, not all is bad at steeps, I’ve been getting my social studying done for my exam. This might not be exciting to some, but this is about as thrilling as my life gets.
For Christmas I got a few good things; a membership to the YMCA and squash racquet, socks, a steeps gift card, some money, a purse and since my mother loves me so, $200 for boxing day shopping in which I bought 3 DVDs, 3 sudoku books and a sudoku calendar, $70 worth of underwear and such, a shirt, and Age of Mythology (which I’ve wanted for the past 2 years).
Sadly I spent my New Years alone in my room watching Law and Order, but I’m not going to complain, I’ve never been a big party person (not that I was invited to any /rollseyes).
So basically this is a cry for help to anyone who reads this and lives in Calgary…. SAVE ME FROM MY BOREDEM!
Maybe in 31 days when I turn 18 my life will slightly more exciting.

Tis The Season to be Jolly

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 00:29:58 GMT

I hate Christmas, I really do. I’m sick of this fucking season of ‘happiness’. During Christmas I am anything but happy, I’m always feeling guilty. Everyone I seem to know thinks Christmas is about buying your friends presents, where I on the other hand think it’s somewhat of a waste. Maybe I’m just a grouch that hates spending her money on other people. But I think Christmas is more about spending time with friends and families, not cleaning out your bank account to show you care about someone. Yet still I get presents from friends and family and I feel guilty as I buy them nothing. Now don’t get me wrong, I like getting gifts, but id rather spend the money on spending time with the person then buying them something they don’t need (however practical gifts I don’t mind and if people do buy me gifts, that’s what I ask for).
Now on to my real problem, it has been almost 5 days and shoppers haven’t developed my pictures yet. Meaning I can make my parents Christmas presents (they are the only people I buy for). So tomorrow is the famous ‘unwrapping of the gifts’ and my dad will have nothing from me, same with my mother. Now I do have the choice of using the original pictures I took from my mom and returning the pictures I had scanned and reprinted so at least one of my parents will have something. My father however, most of the pictures were taken with a digital camera and I don’t have originals. Oh how I hate this fucking holiday.

Sexy Jacket

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 18:30:52 GMT

So I’ve been reminded again that it has been a while since I have written. So an update on my life so far, it’s boring.
On the weekend I went to go visit my mom. The crazy Ching gene is starting to take over her. She started to get migraines and so she has been taking some pills for that, minus the super extra strength Advil she has been taking (and her doctor said she can take as many as she likes even though it is suggested that you take 1 every 24 hours) she also has been taking another pill which the side effect includes anxiety (oh joy oh bliss). Due to this side effect she has started to become allergic to milk products. So my mother who loves things like milk and cheese can no longer eat it. In fact, most bread is made using milk and so she can’t even have sandwiches. So my mother has become a vegan. Well, a vegan that still eats meat I guess. But minus my mother going crazy we had a pretty fun weekend together. We went shopping and even went and say Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (drool feast for AMAZING British actors) and the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. The Lion Witch and the Wardrobe was extremely good. They did an AMAZING job on it and I can’t wait for them to do the rest.
My father finally got a job. I’m so happy for him (and me as it’s a six figure salary). He is going to be working for Liquidation World as VP of Finance. He starts just after new years so I will finally no longer be an orphan.
Plus I’m rethinking moving to Vancouver right away, my mother has a good way of talking me out of things. So I think I will go to Mount Royal for the 2 years and transfer. My dad was even talking about buying an apartment by there and I would live there with a roommate. However I don’t know who would be my roommate and I don’t want to be living with a fucking retard.
Other then that my life has been school and homework and tutoring (twice this week), as well as JA (in which I shall be yelling at a few people today). I went to Barbie’s to see if I can order a new pair of pants as mine are a bit too short in the leg (but I’ve had them for over a year now), I also asked them about making a jacket for me, which would cost around $350. However it would be fucking AMAZINGLY HOT! A.k.a. a full length fun fur trench coat, fitted of course and in silver (gray if they don’t have silver). I would of course have to wait until after I pay for my pants and also have a job, as I am planning on using my Christmas money to get some piercings.
However I must go now, I shall write again later.
-Erin

Not Happy

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 04:03:19 GMT

Ok, so it was a fairly ok day until I almost got home. I mean, the almost being late for school, getting my report card and what not I can stand, but I went to go drop off my resume and the lady was a fucking bitch. First off she told me that it tells her NOTHING about me and that she wants me to go do a cover letter and bring it back. Like fuck. She wanted to know if I had worked with money, it says right on my resume that I had done ticket sales for the Fringe. Like my hobbies and shit, that’s more of the stuff you ask in a interview, plus my salary expectations, I mean FUCK, I’m 17, minimum wage works fine with me. I like, my old resume had some of that stuff on it, but I was told no on wants to read a book on my life, then this lady tells me she wants to know fucking everything about me by looking a piece of paper.
What really set me off was the fact that I only have enough money to pay for one year of university. So if I want to get out of Calgary I need about $45,000 more. However, I can’t get that kind of money unless I have a job, and no one will hire me. Plus the only places I do want to work either a) threw out my resume when they changed management or b) need someone to work shifts in which I’m in school. So it seems that everyone is looking to hire, but no one wants to hire me.
Plus last night I had a small fight with my dad about my university plans. So my physics mark isn’t so good to get into a business school that wants around a 80% average. So I was going to redo it in summer school and apply at SFU for the fall semester (starting in January). However, my dad doesn’t like the idea of paying $500 so I can redo a class and wants me to stick to my original plan of going to Mount Royal for 2 years and transferring to SFU after that (I think he just wants me to stay at home for another 2 years). He claims that if I take a semester off (oh my! a whole 5 months!) that I will never go back to school as I will love working too much. I mean my own father; flesh and blood doesn’t even know me. He doesn’t know that going into marketing and getting my Bcom is the most IMPORTANT thing to me in the world. What I have wanted to do since I was fucking 6 years old (as he is the one who gave me the idea). And he thinks me redoing a class and working so I can pay to go to university will make me not want to go, when in fact I would be spending those 5 months working towards my dream.
To add to all of this, the order I had for 15 center pieces, she wants 2 now. After spending my fucking Sunday morning making these god damn things and having to redo all the bows myself as it was ‘too silver’ (when she picked them out). I mean, what gives? She even denied making an order. It has totally pissed me off and put me in a not so good mood. Like I’m back to where I started where I’m home with Chris and she doesn’t give a fuck about me (might I add we haven’t gone shopping for food so I have nothing for lunches except juice boxes).
I good news however, after almost 2 months of living here, I finally have a fucking microwave.

Lack of Happiness

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 09:02:22 GMT

Everyone likes to think that they aren’t alone in the world, but as time passes I’ve come to realize just how alone I am. I rarely have any physical contact with people outside of school hours and I never see anyone who really cares about me. I see my mother about once every 3-4 weeks and only talk to her on the phone about once a week. My father I see about once every 1-2 weeks and never talk to him when he isn’t here, its not that he never calls, but he always just talks to his girlfriend and never me. Plus the person I live with (my dad’s girlfriend) doesn’t really care about me a whole lot (in short she has told me on numerous occasions that she would pick her dog over me). Now that me and Mattie aren’t together I don’t have any sexual contact or someone other then my parents telling me that they love me. Also adding the fact I lack friends, and the friends I do have I never see. I just find I’m alone a lot and that’s making my unhappy and nothing is really canceling it out. I don’t even have something I can use to take my mind off it, no work, no sexual relationships and no real hobbies (minus watching 3 hours of law and order a day). All I want is for someone to tell me face to face that they love me, and hold me. I can’t even remember the last time I was hugged by someone.

No Zoo For Erin

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 06:02:29 GMT

God school is boring again today, oh well, nothing I can’t sleep through.

JA is going pretty good, better if I could get my printer to work. I can’t print off the business cards or the order forms. It sucks big time. Plus since my printer isn’t working I can’t print off my resume, because Devine is hiring and I think I’m scenester enough to work there. Plus I found out that Steeps just hired a new girl for evening and weekends… AND SHE HAD NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE!!!! Even one of the girls who worked there said they should hire me, but since I didn’t know and didn’t drop off a resume, they didn’t thin to contact me about it. However I think I shall just drop off my resume now and convince everyone there to get her fired, so that I can work there. As that would be such a dream.

Me and Mattie have been doing alright I guess, at least we aren’t on ‘I hate you’ terms at all. That would suck if he hated me, it is bad enough trying to cut him out of my romantic life, and I could not imagine cutting him out of my life completely. I guess a part of me wishes that we were still together, and another part of me just wants to get out of Calgary and I know if I was still with him I would stay here. To it is just a matter of figuring out which I want me, my career, or a boy-toy. Both would be nice, but I know Mattie can’t be my boyfriend anymore and I don’t like wasting my time trying to find some half decent boy. However this is this one boy at school I don’t mind, which is strange, I never like anybody I go to school with. We shall see how to goes.

More importantly, I WANT TO GO TO THE FUCKING ZOO!!! But no one will go with me. Pity me people, I shall have to go see the tigers alone

So it has been awhile

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 05:02:53 GMT

So things haven’t been going so great. Me and Mattie broke up, but I knew that was going to happen. It’s just, he seems to blame me for everything that went wrong and I know it wasn’t me but how I felt and how he acted. In the end, I’m pretty much left heart broken and alone. I realize that I won’t be dating for a long time and I will be spending most of that long time alone on my computer, where most of my life seems to be now. I have no real friends here, and sometimes I think I never really had a lot of friend in Edmonton either, just people I knew and I don’t know if I just enjoy being alone, or if I’m just meant to be alone. I mean its not fair Mattie is dating another girl already. If he can get over it, why cant I? Why can’t I find some nice boy who will buy me flowers and do random things with me? Someone who will cuddle with me and hold my hand and make me feel loved? Why must I always feel alone? It’s just not fair.
He tells me I’m jealous of his girlfriend, but I’m really just jealous that he is moving on so fast and I can’t.
In other non-bitchy emo news, I went to my first rave with Emily a while ago and to another one in Calgary as well. I miss her so much, and her new boyfriend is so good for her. I glad she is finally happy in a relationship.
I went and saw Nine Inch Nails last night with my friend Molly who I hadn’t seen in ages. By the second opening act we had both managed to sneak on the floor with one ticket. I must say we are a pretty amazing team.
My JA Company Polarium is going pretty well too. One of our members just made a $1600 or so sale. So we shall be busy all weekend working on that order. I shall bring candy for everyone, because hyper children are productive children. Plus I’ve started working on the business cards and the website (which is pretty fun; I haven’t used flash for ages!!).
School is ok, scary though as I have my grad pictures on Monday :S Its just coming at me so fast. But now with me not having a boyfriend I don’t have to worry about that. I am free to move to Victoria for schooling and hopefully London some time after that. Victoria will be super nice, If I go to Simon Fraser (which I am planning) I can do two majors with my Bcom! One in marketing and another in psychology. What a scary mix, don’t you think!?
Anyways, I should go now… I shall try and write more often, even though I know no one reads this anyways. But it is a good way for me to vent I guess.

Erin

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 17:10:04 GMT

Well happy Sunday morning everyone. I hope you have all had a fun week, cause I know I did.
I'm starting to enjoy this school a bit more, meet lots of new people. In-fact, I met another girl who is into hair extensions when I was out 'going to the bathroom', and I've gotten to hang with my friend Karla and her boyfriend Kevin a few times. Another pretty cool Kat from one of my classes has even added me to msn, so I think my "Erin has no friends" problem will soon be gone.
Me and Mattie have been doing pretty good too. We spend alot of time together and have fun like we used to.
Also at school we are starting a yoga and a pilates mat class (I'm so excited!!!). So the yoga will be tuesdays and wednesdays at lunch (it will be tight with a 45min lunch though) and the pilates mat class will be thursdays after school. I've met both teachers who are doing it and they seem like they are soooo much fun!
Well anyways, i need to redo my resume as Mattie tells me it sucks.
So have a good Sunday everyone!

I've Been Told To Share This Website...

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 21:10:27 GMT

Dear Lady Cooper

This Sucks :(

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 07:17:55 GMT

I feel so unloved today, mostly because Rocket didn't hire me due to the fact they were looking for people to fill day shifts. So now I'm back to having no hopes for a job and a rave coming up in about 2 monthes in which I shall need an new outfit!. Geez people, find me a place to work at that will let me be myself, thats all I ask.
Other then that my weekend was great. My Mommy came down to visit me and we drank and watched CSI and had pizza. How yummy. Plus Mattie came over to visit as well, so that was nice. Plus on Sunday I got to see the wonderful EMILY! How I missed her so.
Anyways, I should go to bed. I have eatten way to many gummie bears and am now super hyper. Plus its 1:15 in the morning and I have school in a few hours... yay!

Night yo

Shiiiiiiiiiiity

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 23:20:59 GMT

Even though the weather was pretty bad down here in Calgary this weekend, I actually went outside and did stuff. On Saturday I went with Molly to try and get a job. As fun as it was, I hate rain, I hate being wet, and I hate being wet when its really windy, and I was all of those when I was ou there. However, I do enjoy spending time with Molly so it wasn't too bad, plus I bought some colored pens so I can colorcoat my notes (yes its lame I know).
Saturday night I decided it was time to redo my hair, as it was looking pretty shitty. So I did a full bleach and recolor, which i left in all night so the bitch stays in my hair for longer then a few weeks. I just don't know what I should do with the black. Should I keep it as is with the little spots on my bangs? Or should I add some streaks as well? I also haven't decided if I should put my extentions in for the job interviews? I know it doesn't matter for the source as they won't hire me anyways, but for Rocket? Should they know about my extention fun before they hair me or not? Maybe I'll just wear an bandana for both.
Blah, I've been watching Witch Hunter Robin for the past 2 days now and I'm actually over half way though. I just want my Sailor Moon Live Action to finish (its only 51% done, but its 11GB) but its telling me another 89 hours till its done :(.
Now I just need to figure what I should do for the rest of the day, as I lead such a boring life.

School Stufferz

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 23:20:17 GMT

So I had my third day of school today. Cookie for me for not skipping, as its so hard, there is nothing attaching me to this school. It's just sad, I walk down the halls and all I see is Scona students, but when I look harder, they aren't. There is even a girl in one of my classes that sounds like someone I know. I just want to tell her to shut up when she talks, cause all I want to do is cry.
Other then that, its been ok. Only one of my teachers is an idiot, but if i keep on showing him how to use the vcr and turn on the tv, maybe I can get bonus marks. My art teacher seems pretty nice. He's still not Mr. Burns, but I think he could grow on me. My social teacher is interesting. She seems like she would be super funny... but she is so dry its scary. My physics teacher is pretty cool, but then again, he does teach physics.
I've also applied for a few jobs, and amazingly they have call me back. Today I had one after school with Le Chateau, if they hire me is another question, but I like to think postive. I also have on with the source on Tuesday and I know they aren't going to hire me because of my hair. Rocket however looks promising as there is a guy who works there who looks like Robert Smith from The Cure. If they haire deathrockers, the should hire cyberpunks. The other places haven't called me back, which sucks, cause working at Spencers would be fun, and they would let me be me. Or also this CyberCafe, which is strange as they don't serve drinks there, but I'd still like to work there.
My relationship issues aren't any better either. He's off to his friend's birthday party, which by the way, is on the same weekend as our one year. I'm a happy camper about this. He's just been grumpy to me anyways, I fucking hate it, as nothing can be his fault but its ok if it is mine. I just wish he would get everything sorted out so he can go back to his normal self, and be happy again.

School Fun

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 23:17:02 GMT

Yay!

Tomorrow I get to go to my new school and have my ID picture taken! I am like superly excited for the new school year to start. Mainly because I have such a good first semester! I have art, physics and a business class! Its going to be so much fun... even with social in there. I'm just super worried about the 5 min breaks though :( that means very little smoke time for Erin. Well that and I'm so used to 10 min breaks from Scona. Fuck I hate changing schools.... but what can you do?

Also exciting news for Monday... hopefully my new computer comes in.... personally... I'm thinking i should name it something... like.. yeah... I have no idea where I'm going with this. All I know is that I want my new computer to get here.. so I can move all my shit over. Who knows how long that will take, I'm thinking of zipping my music files though... just to make it a bit faster over the network.

Last night I finished putting together my dresser! So now I have a place to put all my underwear (which is a big deal I tell you). My Dad was kinda sad that I did it all by myself and he didn't get to help me. He is just getting into that stage in life where he realizes that I can do things on my own, including building Ikea dresser's... cause like they are so hard.... *rolls eyes*.

Minus my new phone number not working... nothing else exciting is happening.

So yes... that ends my first blog here I guess...

Bye!

you smell funny

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 00:15:01 GMT

Mattie *i'm a dirty whore* says:
i smell like you
By The Dawning Of The Sun, They Will Take Over The World -38- says:
you do?
By The Dawning Of The Sun, They Will Take Over The World -38- says:
hehe
Mattie *i'm a dirty whore* says:
yesh i do
Mattie *i'm a dirty whore* says:
it makes me miss you
By The Dawning Of The Sun, They Will Take Over The World -38- says:
YOU SMELLL LIKE GIIIIRL

sexxxxxx toys

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 20:47:52 GMT

Mattie says:
*look at my... i'm pretty*

Mattie says:
*look at me... pay attention to me*

Mattie says:
*look at me.. i'm better than you*

Mattie says:
*look at me.. i tied my own shoe*

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
"look at me i own 3 vibrators"

Mattie says:
huh?

Mattie says:
since when?

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
oh nothing

Mattie says:
since when do you own 3 vibrators.

Mattie says:
and why hasn't mattie seen them yet.

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
since never

Mattie says:
liar...
†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
and if i did... i would have put then to use already

Mattie says:
what do u mean.

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
pray i never buy a strap on

Mattie says:
O.o

a little old but

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 05:33:27 GMT

:( mean ilona

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 05:32:20 GMT

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
mattie is coming over tomorrow morning and jumping in bed with me
†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
and then we are going to go rent AVP
tiffany tube steak says:
aw
tiffany tube steak says:
whats avp?
†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
alien vs predator
tiffany tube steak says:
ew

fun with strap ons and ilona

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 05:27:18 GMT

tiffany tube steak says:
im sorry, dyke-face

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
fine
tiffany tube steak says:
*pets*

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
me and my blow up girlfriend will leave now

tiffany tube steak says:
aw

tiffany tube steak says:
no susie no!

tiffany tube steak says:
i like to fiddle with her bits

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
well you still have to give me back my strap on that you borrowed

tiffany tube steak says:
god i wish i had one

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
meeeeeeee to

†˚°○°˚My Head Is Bleeding˚°○°˚† [17] says:
i would feel sorry for mattie though

tiffany tube steak says:
anthony would never be able to walk again

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 17:12:44 GMT

What Am I?

Currently I am nothing. I have hopes of becoming a cyborg one day. To loose all emotions would be a bliss. I have trouble creating emotional attachments to people and where as I may care about my friends, I could see myself managing just fine without most of them. I am assuming this I am aware that half of the people I am acquainted to actually hate me. I try to ignore this, but sadly I am still human.
I believe in love. To watch it is beyond amazing. However it is something that is just not for me. I went through many years of my life believing that I was unattractive. The first person who thought I was hot (that I am aware of) is my friend Miss. Emily. My first kiss was in grade 10, just before Christmas. My first boyfriend was 3 years older then me and that lasted a short 2 ½ weeks before he dumped me a week before my 16th birthday. I was angered over the fact I though he dumped me because I wasn’t putting out, that my sweet friend agreed to help me get over my frigidness. That was the first time I ever made out with a boy. He even today remains the one boy I have kissed and care the most about. I respect him more then any other of my male friends. Until the end of grade 10, that was the farthest I had ever been with a boy. Until my ex-boyfriend introduced me to his then best friend. What he did took more off my chest then I will ever know. My fling with 20 and 24 year old boys lasted a few months before I found someone who was worth my time. Someone who I enjoyed thinking about (and not in a ‘oh god why’) and im not planning on leaving this state of mind anytime soon.
The past 18 months have been a roller costar of fear as well. I have a man that was nearly 60 harass, sexually harass, and give me sex toys for gifts. I have never cried in fear like that before. And I can only hope that chapter of my life is over.
But everything comes at a price. Along with my new happiness I found by moving to Edmonton. I have sunk to lows that were not worth it. One of the things I had to do that killed me inside was telling my best friend of 9 years that I had sex for the first time. I felt she was beyond disappointed in me. Tis not a feeling I like. Leaving her has caused many nights of lost sleep.
In the end I do not regret anything I have done. I may shame myself for doing them, but I never wish they had never happened. For everything I have done has made me who I am, and that’s who I want to be.

So I Cheated....

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:11:03 GMT

Not in sex silly I had a smoke today. The nice boy that is Mike Browning gave me one <3. I should really stop… but SIX DAYS! That’s good I think. I hope it’s not the same with Mattie. Damn that boy. Now I’m worried that he’s going to use me or something stupid like that. Maybe I feel bad about Chris….. Or not. He shouldn’t be sleeping with 16 year old girls… I hope he feels bad for taking advantage of me (this is where you laugh a lot). Plus he spent all Sunday bothering me on msn. Ill even post some of the transcript… so you can laugh at my boy troubles. Or feel sorry for me having to put up with this.

~Chris~

This happens every fucking time
Why shouldn't I be angry?
Scenario a:
Chris meets cool girl
Falls for her
Girl hurts Chris
Times about 4 now
Big deal eh?

~Me~

It happens
Nothing happens on the first shot

~Chris~

No shit
You didn't even try though
That’s what's bothering me
Like

~ Me ~

Because I want to be with Mattie

~Chris~

For what reason though?

~Me~

I like him

~Chris~

He has a fucking girlfriend already
Jeez

~Me~

Not for long

Didn’t try? Uh Chris… I slept with you twice… I think that’s trying... Besides… id rather be friends with you. Plus, who cares if Mattie has a girlfriend…I just hope Mattie likes me enough to want to date me.

Kissing

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 20:43:50 GMT

I never knew kissing boys could be so much fun. Last night I suck over to go see the boy I like.. Mattie. Of all the fooling around and playing we did. The kissing was the best part. I think he is only really the second boy i have ever kissed that i like. Which is strange. I have no really feelings for anyone I've been with. Shouldn't that be how it should be? Shouldn't you have sex with the love of you life? Shouldn't you kiss boys to show that you care for them. I will admit, I really like sex, but I think i will love it more once it means more for me. And this is me... blah blah blah. It just is strange enjoying kissing more then sex. Its all I can think about right now. Kissing him.